Slay the Feast, Not the Drama: Thanksgiving without losing your peace!

Thanksgiving is often described as a time for gratitude, love, and connection. But for many in the LGBTQ+ community, it can also be a time of heightened stress, especially when gathering with family members who may not affirm your identity or share your views. This year, with the results of the 2024 elections fresh in our minds and our nation still grappling with significant cultural and political divides, it’s more important than ever to prioritize your safety, mental health, and well-being.

Whether you’re bracing for loaded comments, hoping for moments of honest connection, or simply trying to get through the day unscathed, here’s a guide to help you navigate Thanksgiving with confidence, compassion, and clarity.

Understanding High Conflict and How to Deescalate It

Before diving into the tips, let’s explore a concept that’s incredibly helpful in these situations: High Conflict.

Coined by Amanda Ripley in her book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, high conflict refers to deeply entrenched, us-versus-them dynamics where resolution feels impossible. High conflict often escalates because it’s driven by emotion rather than logic, and participants become fixated on winning rather than understanding.

Learning to recognize high conflict behaviors—such as all-or-nothing thinking, personal attacks, and an unwillingness to listen—can help you identify when someone is stuck in this cycle. The good news? You can often deescalate these situations through active listening, which involves validating emotions without necessarily agreeing with their points. More on that below.

Steps to Protect Your Mental Health on Thanksgiving

1. Prepare Mentally and Set Clear Boundaries

  • Decide your boundaries in advance: Will you leave the table if a conversation becomes disrespectful? What topics are non-negotiable for you? Communicate these boundaries to a trusted family member or ally in the room if possible.
  • Ground yourself: Practice mindfulness or grounding exercises before heading into the gathering. A calm, centered mind will help you respond rather than react.

2. Bring an Ally—Even Virtually

  • If you have a supportive family member attending, let them know you might need their help navigating difficult conversations.
  • No ally present? Schedule a quick check-in with a friend or chosen family during the day. Sometimes, a text or phone call can be a lifeline.

3. Recognize High Conflict Behaviors

  • Look for signs of high conflict: dismissiveness, extreme negativity, or attempts to bait you into an argument.
  • Avoid engaging with these behaviors directly. Instead, try deescalating the tension by saying, “I hear that this is really important to you” or “I can see this topic is deeply personal for you.”

4. Use Active Listening to Deescalate

  • When faced with heated opinions, resist the urge to debate. Instead, focus on listening:
    • Paraphrase: “It sounds like you’re worried about [X].”
    • Validate feelings: “I can see why that would feel overwhelming.”
  • This doesn’t mean agreeing with harmful views—it’s about calming the conversation so you can either shift topics or exit gracefully.

5. Know When to Exit the Conversation

  • If the conversation remains tense despite your efforts, give yourself permission to step away. A simple, “I’m going to grab some air” or “I need to check on something in the kitchen” can create the space you need.

6. Share Honestly If the Opportunity Feels Right

  • If you sense an opening for meaningful dialogue, consider sharing your perspective. Frame your thoughts with “I” statements:
    • “I’ve been really concerned about the direction our country is heading, especially when it comes to equality.”
    • “I hope for a future where kids can grow up feeling safe and affirmed for who they are.”

7. Focus on the Bigger Picture

  • Family gatherings aren’t always the place for conversion or activism. If a discussion feels unproductive, remind yourself that changing minds takes time. Plant seeds of understanding where you can, but prioritize your own peace.

8. Create a Post-Thanksgiving Plan for Self-Care

  • After the gathering, decompress with activities that bring you joy and relaxation—whether that’s binge-watching your favorite show, journaling, or connecting with your chosen family.
  • Reflect on what went well and what you’d handle differently next time.

Reclaiming Thanksgiving as a Time for Hope

While the holidays can be fraught with tension, they’re also an opportunity to reflect on the resilience and strength of our community. This Thanksgiving, remember that protecting your mental health is not only a form of self-care—it’s an act of resistance. In a world that often demands you shrink, choosing to show up as your authentic self (even with boundaries) is a powerful statement.

And if you find a moment to speak from the heart—about your hopes, your fears, or the change you wish to see—know that your voice matters. You might just inspire someone to see things differently. But if not, you still walk away with your integrity intact, knowing you’ve stood true to yourself.

Here’s to a Thanksgiving filled with grace, strength, and moments of joy—even in unexpected places. You’ve got this.

By: Rev. Harold Marrero
Chief Operating Officer

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